The purpose of living?

Siok Kuan asked why I sounded so emo lately..
I don't think I am emo.
Just that, I don't see the reason for me to live ...
Life is very... fragile, but I am very ...tired?
I don't really hv an idea on what's my next decision. But we'll see..

I thought..

I thought I am already fed up of how u let this friendship flow...
I thought I am pain enough to walk away...
I thought I can do it with a new bunch of friends...
but fact is friends maybe, can be replace, but a bestie could never be replace...
Maybe is all my problem...but u know, whole life I never feel any bit of anger on u..
Today, I did. Angry till the extend where u can still make me cry??
You said u know how to arrange your time.
but how many times when i finally got some freedom, you chose someone who can be with you everyday.
How many times when i wish to talk to you, you just didn't even wanna reply a simple msg...
How many times when i need you when i got whacked up by mom.... you just hv that mind set of " nah.. since is so normal, why do i care"
I've tried my best standby in case anything u need.. and i stop doing that since im back..
I really hate coming back because everytime Im back, nothing good will happen.
Sometimes I even believe that my relationship with people can only be closer when there's a distance.
You seriously hv no idea how much u've hurt me without knowing you did...
I thought you won't have the ability to do so already.. but to replace a bestie?

............

I miss u so much, buddy.

Sometimes i really wonder besides sleeping and keep my self busy, what else can i do to stop those memories to have any chance to sneak into my mind. The days haha... how sweet and happy. I understand that this is what we call --life. As i always mentioned as well, life goes on, and also move on...

Time rush by and people will have their own life. As long as you are happy, I am always happy too. Seeing both my important and very important buddy happy is good, of course. =) But awhhh..those days sticking around like 20 days a month were all past. I cannot deny that I am a very attached person.=.= Despite meeting ya'll once a week or 2 weeks, is like brrhhh... =.-ll i always have too much to tell and too little time for the gatherings. /.\

Most importantly, i dont speak out my mind. I hardly tell people i miss them cuz is quite =.-ll awkward but i am now missing ya'll so so much alrd. Aiks. I want taylors.. i want uk=.= BIG SIGH!!

=(

pc lee

what do you want from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Again and again
YOU never give me a reason why YOU always do this to me.
I had enough challenges or so called experience on this alrd.
ENOUGH.
I can't even breath today. I need a reason.
...............................................
i didnt even know what to say.

Emo laaaa

陶喆 - 黑色柳丁

专辑： Power Of Live 影音记录珍藏盘

词:陶喆，娃娃 曲:陶喆

今天我心情有一点怪怪

可是说不出到底为什么

好像有一点悲哀的征兆

可是病因不知道

头上有橘色的加州阳光

我的口袋只有黑色的柳丁

我只有一个蓝色的感觉

不要问我为什么

很想说 但又觉得没有话好说

我只恨我自己 逃不出这监狱

或许我 是个没有出息的小虫

不该一直作梦 你不是个英雄

叶子用坠落证明换季

可我昏昏沉沉没有办法醒

什么英雄

还是你会要放弃

天是亮的却布满乌云

所有焦距被闪光判了死刑

什么英雄

我看你不过是佣兵

我只想哭 只想哭 只想哭

我只想哭 只想哭 只想哭

今天一起床我就头痛

不管吃了几瓶药都没有用

心情有一点莫名的焦躁

你离我越远越好

外面有橘色的加州阳光

我却躲在自己孤独的黑洞

我只有一个小小的要求

就是请你leave me alone

很想说 但又觉得没有话好说

我只恨我自己 逃不出这监狱

或许我 是个没有出息的小虫

不该一直作梦 你不是个英雄

叶子用坠落证明换季

可我昏昏沉沉没有办法醒

什么英雄

还是你会要放弃

天是亮的却布满乌云

所有焦距被闪光判了死刑

什么英雄

我看你不过是佣兵

我只想哭 只想哭 只想哭

我只想哭 只想哭 只想哭

今天我心情有一点烂烂

可是说不出到底为什么

好像有一点悲哀的征兆

可是病因不知道

我只想哭 只想哭 只想哭

我只想哭 只想哭 只想哭

只想哭 只想哭 只想哭

怎么了，你累了，说好的幸福呢。。

On your birthday. The idea of present i should get for u.
Thinking hard will you even appreciate it.
Have you ever put the bracelet on ur hand before. I doubt.
Is that shirt suits well on u?
Should I send it to u? Do you even need it.
Well, being realistic is not your fault. It's how the nature of the world works.
The last time i see you were a year ago in our fav hang out place. together with my sis and bro.
hahahaha... how nice. When will be the next time? you said u dont know.
I miss you a little bit more this year. Especially on those excuses u will give when you're late. =S
I hope you are happy with your life now.
Back u up always.


他们说,你要试一下去争取，我说，凭什么。赌不过。

There's an end

I know nothing stays constant.
Just never thought that this could end so quickly.
Hopefully after October, my life could get better.
I'm really tired of all these.
All what my friend told me.
"you will encounter sudden UPs and sudden Downs this year until October"
I love roller coaster, but not the one in life. cuz im really tired already.
I hv phobia. A phobia that not everyone has it.

-pc-

2 years , 2 months, and 27 days

Opened my diary. (maahahah.. yes I do hv a healing diary, where I talk to my self inside???? o.O )
Well, yeap. It took me 2 years, 2 months and 27 days to move on to another stage of life. =)
I guess I've chosen my cousin's advice- " MOVE ON"
Despite the fact that I am still hollow, empty and clueless, I am at least, sometimes - happy.
Humans are just too complicated for me to understand and learn. So, be dumb. XD

Btw.... on the other case I am still stuck and I am obviously not moving on to anywhere. =.- MY DISSERTATION PROPOSAL arHHHHHHHHH .. X.x

So gonna doomed=.-

God bless.

Pc

[justamarshmallowgurl]Add oil to the egg

If you are reading this you would know this is a special entry posted up to give u full MORAL SUPPORT in your remaining exam papers. =) Good Luck

We all dislike exams, but without exams, there won't be a chance for all of us to ever know what's the feeling of study hard, playing hard. If without exam, we would not fully utilize the library. Without exam, we all would not know how many times in life you will smile genuinely for little things and events. Many people often tell us to cherish everything we encounter. On the surface exams seems to be so evil where it rip off our happiness and precious time. Think about it. Often during exams is when you know who really lend their hand to you in hard times, exam gives you the greatest satisfaction upon your years of hard work in proving your self to you, your family and friends.

Most importantly, with exam, that is time where we got one extra excuse, well, a good type of excuse to pamper our self with outings and shopping when its over. That is when we fully enjoy the process of shopping, pampering, sunshine outings and laughing our heart out- because we earn all of these process with hard work, and we do not take them for granted.

Common, put a smile on the face. After all, this is our last final exam within the near future. RITE? You can do it. Trust your self.

(^,^)

-pc-

[justasmalltownboy] 1 + 2 = 26 Huh?

Aah.... Remember those time when 1 + 2 = 3? Those simple yet nice times? Don't you just ever want to go back to there and then. But you are all grown now and nothing is as simple as it seems. When did the qualm starts to kick in? When did when a friend calls you out for a drink, you immediately assume that there's an agenda behind that. I seriously hate that feeling but things change, time passed, and human too change. There's nothing that last for a lifetime and I would not want anything to last forever. So the next time if you get into the state of mind and wished that if only you could turn back time then think again, NO INTERNET...


Cheerios..

-n-

[justamarshmallowgurl]- deepest depression

A girl walks without her soul after her second completed exam subject.
She's not sure about why she is taking exam while she has a minimal interest in this certificate at all. This is the first time this girl is so worried about - STUDIES???? holy sh**, that's such an unbelievable event.o.O.
Facebook Lucky Daily predicted that her luck is only 16% that day. She was not in a perfect mood. As she walks to Sainsbury, a bud called and that is when her true happiness is- to prepare food and hanging around.
Pathetic little girl, she thought she should not complain anymore about the current life. she reached home and wanted just to speak to her siblings and cousin about how stress she is about this exams. So she invited the group stated as 'family' in her messenger list.
Worst thing is coming and she is happily typing--'ahhhh... i hate exam! i hate masters! i'm so scared that i will fail!!'
Shyuan: ' jie i said something to her that i need to be responsibled for today. '
The girl stopped typing. The other siblings and cousin continue talking some other rubbish rather than listen to her.
Then, her sister started another chat box and told her that she scolded the so called mom.
Marshmallow got shocked. Her sis told her that she scolded the 'mom' after a series of 'action movies' that caused a 17 years old boy cried over the phone pleading her to fetch him back from shop. A 17 year old boy- an age where usually guys will only cry over issues like breaking up with his girl friend or stuff.
The most interesting part? What did sister scolded?

[One day all of us will leave you. nobody dare to voice out their feelings to you. i am sorry we dint meant to hurt you we still respect u as mum, so nobody want to tell you how we feel about this family]

Did this change the future of the 5 kids who genuinely hates the family ever since they know there're something call friends? Answer- No.

What happen then? Answer- more action movies, more dramas in front of outsiders, more humiliations to the world best dad.

Facebook updates by sisterss the girl saw in her facebook:

younger sis[God is so fair...once HE give u wealthy, HE will take away ur happiness...once HE give u happiness, HE will take away ur wealthy... it's fair n square... if i can choose, i rather choose the poor but having happiness... wealthy cannot buy happiness but happiness can bring us to a wealthy life.]

Elder [i felt like my face and head are no longer my face and head], [afraid to sleep]

Marshmallowgurl felt so helpless that afternoon. She threw 2 word in the family conference in messenger and she left the box- stupid family......

Her sister continue passing a message to her. A massage from her dad. [just take it as dog barking. You guys thought i don't know how you all feel? you though i don't know ur sis keeps studying so that she can stay over there? Good also. Study, earn some income, leave this house. and he will not blame us if we don't wanna come back visit.]

Gurl finally shed her tears. A moment where she feels money is what He gave. But happiness is what He takes away. She asked if she can share half of the mother with smalltownboy- helpless yet she must be strong to continue wearing the mask of a happy look. She love her father so much that she know she won't leave the family. The father and the friend is the only reason of the scary amount of stamping with the word [ HEATHROW] in her passport. Gurl's helpless. She made her self drained and fall into a deep sleep.

-pc-

[justamarshmallowgurl]- mixed feelings

It's already 12.14am in the morning and I am still awake.
You must be thinking, isn't it normal for me to be awake at this time.
NO, no more a mid night ghost ever since I knew some new buddies.
Specifically, I am already awake for more than N hours. Fatigue. Drained.
The words I saw that day is still in my mind-
when you are earning something, to lose it is complementary.
Everything now seems to be too perfect and I am so happy with my everyday life.
Until the extend where..... I am afraid of losing this scenario again.
The last time I have this very-full-type of happiness was 2 years plus ago?
It was very satisfying. I am still a pure optimistic person, but I lose them
after few months and ever since every laughter or smile is hollow. =S
The emptiness is indescribable. Under the sun I have to be strong,
happy, optimistic normal girl. Below the moon, I am justasmalltownboy's companion.
We share different life, but with a same type of personality-minus the EQ part.

-pc-

p/s: I miss you, and you, plus you. =(

[justasmalltownboy] - Let's play case scenarios

Ever felt like you were on top of the world and suddenly you slip and fell, fell right to the bottom of the society ranking. Now there's nothing odd or unusual about this situation, we've seen it in Pixar, Disney and whole lot of other movies. But the question is, in which situation do you wish you are you in when you fell. Let's see.

Scenario 1. Your mum's a slight abusive control freak but you are rich. You have good friends and families who constantly helps you out as much as they could. Your family can provide you the necessities to send you abroad for studies or holidays and you have good communications with your siblings which you actually don't like them just because they were watching pps while you are downloading illegal music, movie and stuff. Oh one more thing, freedom is something you really value because it's limited just like Singapore having extra lands.

Scenario 2. You have the best mother in the world. Literally the best. When you can't get waffle's from A&W, she'll whip you up some waffle-taste-like-food from the kitchen from scratch or mid night supper at 3pm just because you are hungry. You do pretty well in academics and you have a few superb friends and families who takes you in if you asked them. And freedom to you is abundant. But like all good things in life, there's a catch. You got a bastard-coated-filled-with-idiotic-and-bastard-aura person as a brother that when you tell people you wished he was dead you really meant it. For every expense you make, you got to learn to earn it back, pocket money wasn't something that exist in your dictionary.

I knew this two person who are each in one of the scenarios and at anytime of the day, they would gladly swap their life. But at the end of the day, they would probably realized that they made the biggest mistakes in their life. So, just remember, life was never fair to begin just be glad that you probably had the best of friends and families that others never knew.


-n-

happiness, miserables, and sadness

I remember i used to blog, always, about anything, everything.
I stop or perhaps, seldom blog since months ago? and this entry used up 3 nights? =.-ll
This happened because often I felt so miserable that I do not know how to put them in words.
Of course, some people will start creating stories behind you, saying that you are emo again,
bla bla bla bla~ and so on so forth.
Well, is hard for people who does not have friends as their priority to understand how we feel. =/
Different people has different priority, some family, some boy friend, some money, some themselves, but for people like me, ever since I know the fact that my family is different, friends are my priority under any circumstances. I do believe that friends, are the family members you choose.

Happiness

Over the past two months, people around see me climb up the cliff, and see me fall again, again again and again. They tried to hold my hands from the cliff, and sometimes i hold, but at times i refuse. When I refuse, I slipped again. However, I am really glad that they never give up sparing their hands 24-7. Time passed, things happened , and that's when you realize who is always with you. I jumped out from the circle. =) I see how selfish am I when I once told them I were right on my decision.

It's over. Do you know the most beautiful thing will appear after a set of incidents? Clear water after tsunami, rainbow after rain, clean air after tornado, faster performance PC after reformat???@@ Ahhh.. talking about rainbow.. I miss rainbow T.T . Anyway, thanks for the ceiling and ears.. hahahahaa.. I suppose this is life. Now i prefer seeing others putting an upward curve on their face with their lips. =) that makes me satisfy. After all, 2012 is coming~ cherish what we have haha..

Miserables

Nothing t be doubt, it taste really awful. Miserables makes me change from bad tempered, to know how to control it, from controlling it, back to bad tempered.. and now i am still learning.

Miserables , makes me grow.
Miserables, is exams and assignments and my dissertation. Never in my study life I ever feel this way before. I have no confidence to my self at all, unlike usual. Every day I feel like giving up. But everyday I am pushing my self as hard as I can so that I won't leave any regrets.

Miserable, an important compound that could make u feel a bit of sweetness when the taste of bitter is gone. =)

Sadness

Listening to some songs and the heart is pinching pain. Tell me when You will realise how much i appreciate a person, and as for You, tell me when can we meet again.

Strong

I must be strong. Many people complaining that they are the clown and bla bla bla bla.. Think from the good side, How many people in the world has got the ability to be a clown? A clown is a talent, my friends. Clown does not cries at night. Clown smiles at night when they recall people's happy faces. =) cheers world. night world. Hv a good rest.

A tip towards a better day.

Wake up in the morning, look into the mirror, look into your own eyes and give ur self a smile. A good day starts with a smile from people. =)

Blog, Do you know..

Blog, Do you know I don't dare to write on you?
Do you know I've reach the max point ...
Do you know I need to tell some to people but I don't know who?
Do you know I understand everyone has got their problems just like me.
But I know they've got their way to minimize the stress too.
DO you know I hasn't found one?
I need a pair of.. good ears.. that will really listen rather than just for the sake of getting update.
That's very gross....

I don't know...
Ey, but do you know, with just 4 words, i can tell all i wanna tell? hahaha..
shhh.. now you know, keep to your self =)

short update

I've been stressing my self since.. ever since October 2009.. Never had a night i sleep in a peaceful mind. The wave of life goes really unstable. It's just like tsunami perhaps? Turbulence comes and goes, good times never seems to go long enough. I can't deny that I am living like a zombie everyday. Afraid of losing every important things or people in my life. Thus holding them really tight. Till the extend where I gave them pressure.

I am learning to trust, loosen my palm, and convince my self that there's no such word as forever. But i want them as long as possible. I tried not to take everything or person for granted. I tried appreciate everyone , and of course, I hope people will not take me for granted as well. As it really hurts sometimes.

Every night bad dreams come and go. I found my self sleeping in fear.

Good thing is, during this period of time, I think i realise many of my weaknesses. In short I am not a good person =) .

Many incident happened this week. News of earthquake, people's loved ones get sick, or leave them. I will not let my self drown any further. Is time for me to rescue my self from a cliff. I must survive. I've got many more people for me to take care off. I have my responsibility which I must not forget.

Even if I'm living in a zombie way, I will be a happy zombie. =) cheers world.

nitez.

I will !! yes i WILL

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
I kept thinking
I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong
And I grew strong
I learned how to get along
So now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Without the look upon your face
I should have changed my f-ing lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart
I'm trying hard to mend the pieces
Of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
With somebody new
I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you
And so you thought you'd just drop by
And you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive
I've got all my live to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

[i will survive~~ cake~]